Curious and curiouser....

It has been a few months since last I wrote in here but I do have a personal diary that I write in so that not everything I think, say or do will end up on the web. That one I can at least burn and there will be no evidence! BOOYA!

Any-who...

I write here today to tell of the newest predicament in the 'Motherhood of Our Lives' drama.

I received an email from Marcus' 'sperm-donor' two days ago through Myspace. I was quite shocked (to say the least) because I thought never to hear from him ever again.

Well I gave him a call and he told me that he has left his wife and is coming back down from Panama City back to Fort Lauderdale and he wants to make it up to Marcus and I for the last two years of not being there.

Three emotions are going through my system right now and I am having trouble dealing with reality because of them.

First emotion: Anger!
How dare he contact me out of the blue just because he feels bad for the past two years. He doesn't deserve to be in Marcus' life. If he didn't want to be there from the beginning he needn't be here now! Fuck him!

Second emotion: Happiness.
I am happy that Marcus' will finally have his dad in his life. In fact I am beyond thrilled for it. I hope that it is a permanent thing and not a trick.

Third emotion: Trepidation (emotion right?)
What if it is a trick and he wants to hurt Marcus or take him away from me. What if he is still a loser and does drugs like before. What if what Matthew said is true and he is using my son to get back together with me. Oi!


So this is where I am at. He shall arrive in SoFla in exactly 7 days. It should be interesting to say the least. Conversations on the phone have been definitely awkward. Yikes. So confused.

Time Travel

The other day someone asked me what I would change if I could go back in time. I actually had to sit there and think about it. I used to think that if I could go back in time I would change everything! I could name a few times that I would have changed. List time.
1. Moving from the Bahamas
2. Meeting Michael and getting engaged
3. Leaving Culinary school
4. Meeting Mikey
5. Meeting Debbie
6. Meeting Jason

Those are the few things that I would have changed in my past. But then I thought about it..if I had changed one thing I would not have my son today.

It actually threw me for a loop. I could not believe it. Before Marcus was born I would have changed everything in my past just so my life today would have been better.

Tracing it all the way back to when I first moved to the US. If I had never come over here I would not have had my son. Even if I don't add in moving away from the Bahamas I can conclude from the rest of the list that I would not have had my wonderful son. If I had not met Michael, gotten engaged and had him break my heart I would never have left college and jumped into the next relationship (which was Mikey) and met Debbie who introduced me to the Grant St. apartments. There I would not have met my best friend Eric and his brother Matt who then introduced me to Jason. And if you know me and my past then you would know that Jason is the father of my child. So there is the time line. So when I was asked if I would change the past...no, I would not change anything at all. Everything that happened, happend for a reason and led me to my son.